Last night was rough

Last night, I said something to Hubby, basically complaining about something he said. He turned around and said that I do the exact same thing, which I realized I do. Then I got to thinking how there are so many things that I do that are so not right to do as a wife. And that's when the tears started flowing.

Not only do I not always treat my husband with the respect he deserves, but I can't even seem to do things that most wives normally do. I'm letting our house slide. I just can't get the energy to clean the freakin' kitchen. I hate cooking any more, where normally I love to cook. And worst thing of all, I can't even provide my husband with a child. Talk about total failure.

All of this hit me last night, and I went to bed early to just cry. I know that these feelings are part of the normal grieving process. I know (deep down in my head/heart) that I'm not a failure, but at this point, it's how I'm feeling. I know that I have lots to be grateful for. But knowing all these things doesn't stop my feeling the other things.

Right now I'm just on autopilot. I do the bare minimum that I have to do, but that's it. I tried distracting myself with planting some new plants, but that only worked for an hour or so. I'm trying to read Navigating the Land of If, but I'm not getting very far very quick, as it just keeps bringing up the pain of the failure.

I swear, if I were drinking still, I'd be perpetually drunk. I just want to dull my feelings.

I've got to go. I can't be crying at work.